Muddling and awesomeness...

There are days that I feel like a Jedi. Mostly when I'm rolling, but sometimes when I teach at Uni as well.

Everything is easy, effortless. Occasionally when this is happening I will see the face of the person I'm rolling with, when they've realised they've effectively swept themselves, or given me the pass or have subbed themselves, and the WTF look makes me feel like a magician...

Often I will be asked what I did, or what they did and it's hard to explain. But they don't want to hear it's the product of 6 years of muddling.

The same thing happens at Uni much less frequently - presenting material, a theory, an idea in a way that students jaws literally drop. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Again though, it's taken days, and sometimes weeks of muddling my way through preparation to get a turn of phrase, or the inclusion of an example, just right. It's also taken years of being immersed in these ideas; getting them wrong, making dumb statements and framing ideas poorly to finally get some of them right.

I have seen people with much more potential than me, better athletes, younger guys, better public speakers, harder workers come and go. I've seen people who could have finished a high quality PhD go off and find a job because they burnt out doing their Masters. I've seen guys who smashed everybody after six months of BJJ disappear because of various other life things...

I've seen 'gifted' people fall by the wayside too many times to count.

If I have a 'gift,' it's muddling.

I muddle my way through various aspects of my life. I won't be a 4-6 year black belt in BJJ, but I may make it in 10-12. The thing is though, that barring injury, or some other major life event, I WILL make it to black belt - as long as I'm willing to make a commitment to muddling my way to awesomeness.

I won't be a world champion black belt, but I'll be pretty good.

I will be a respected academic at some point - I possibly won't be a Connell, or a Wetherell, but I'll be pretty good at my job.

I won't get there by being the hardest worker, or by being the most gifted, but by recognising that the path of muddling does bring its own kind of success, its own least non-awesomeness. If I compare myself with the best and brightest (as I often do), I will probably lose heart and will not do as well as I could, but if I muddle, I will still be around when (many of) the best and brightest aren't.

I realise this might be construed as an extended humblebrag...  in which case, it wasn't a very straightforward one...

Admitting you're a blogger

Hi, My name is Gareth, and I'm a blogger.

Not a very consistent one, but now people know about this blog, so I will probably have to lift my game.

Or something...

I'm not sure whether letting people know will mean more regular posts, or whether moving to the UK will provide more impetus, but blog I will. Or maybe not. It will depend.

Don't expect much...

Have I mentioned how much I hate DB?

Tui is really just DB with a different name in case people hadn't realised. It enables DB to distance themselves from the absolutely atrocious beer Tui makes, and the flat out sexism dressed up as humour that Tui indulges in. It's important for DB to create some distance, because if people actually started caring about a) beer, and b) a better NZ, they'd be dropping DB as soon as humanly possible.

Tui are appealing to the lowest common denominator in NZ society - the dumbarses who drink a particular beer because the advertising connects with their redneck, backward views of the world, where men are MEN, and women are sex objects with no value aside from their (hetero)sexuality.

If you drink Tui, you're a bloody idiot.

Admittedly some of Tui's ads have been good. They are quick on the mark to take the mickey out of just about anyone. But the shameless sexism, and attempts to appeal to anti-'PC' brainlessness has no place in a society wanting to move forward. It's regressive and it's only value is purely about making DB money (from said dumbarses).

Feminism has done more for a better NZ society than beer ever has. And Tui, well Tui hasn't even done anything for NZ beer... other than provide a standard of poor quality that even Boundary Road can rise above.

Moving to the UK

OK, so moving is happening. A job at The Open University has come up. It's for 2 years and I'm currently dealing through a huge amount of avoidance-based thought processes. My partner is dealing by selling everything we own.

The move is good. It brings a bit of freshness to our lives. It's also meant the superordinate stress has surpassed any anxiety I have been feeling about lecturing a course for the first time. Hopefully I'll manage to find the right amount of anxiety to keep me motivated and productive, yet not be overwhelmed.

Looking forward to good beer everywhere, a different work environment and some awesome BJJ coaching where I can be the student for an extended period.

Yay!

To cheapen worth

One of the things that drew me to BJJ was the suggestion that rank only comes when someone is worthy of it. It's safe to say that my eyes have been opened in the last few years, and I have seen people promoted for a number of reasons other than ability (I've also seen some held back despite ability for various political reasons). The thing that really gets my back up though, is promoting people for training a long time (but without the necessary skills)...

Having trained for 6 years, but not being a regular competitor (and when I did underperforming in relation to my ability), I wonder at times whether I 'stack up' with other purples. Not enough to drive me to regular competition though :). I do know that I hold my own well against high level blues (even athletic high level blues!), established purples (even fit, strong purples), and even the odd black belt (OK I got smashed, but not hideously, soul crushingly so).

So when I see or hear about a belt that got given cos the person's been around a while, and yet has little of the necessary requirements for that grade it makes me grumpy.

In some ways I'm looking forward to moving overseas. It means it'll take me a while before I figure out a new context enough to become this jaded again...

Long time... no post

It's funny what almost a year will do for your head-space.

Much of my posting has sounded pretty whiny and self-indulgent - but this a blog after all and that's what they're supposed to for isn't it?

Surely!

Anyway. One of the things that is defining my life aside from the quest for least non-awesomeness, is thinking about what it is that sustains long term perspective. This is true of both my work and my BJJ, but also factors in stuff like weight control, health regimes exercise etc. all necessary features of a life approaching forty it turns out...

But if I'm honest the thing that gets most attention at the moment is my longevity in BJJ. In practice that means investing in myself (to borrow from John Will). It means being willing to sacrifice a bit to afford seminars with some of the best in the world. It means enjoying training, coaching, rolling.

And a huge part of it is 'minimising your ego, to maximise your BJJ' (Rener Gracie, 2011). This means not getting uppity when people 'pass' me (in rank or my guard), not beating myself up if my rolling sucks for a week or two, living more in the moment and the little wins. It also means investing in the relationships I have at the club, especially with those who have been around a while and who are most likely to be around in a few years time.

Another part is reducing injury and skin infections. This means weighing the value of competition, taking the hassles about my MMA socks (to reduce risk of athletes' foot), not taking unnecessary risks to appease my ego, learning to roll at 70% even if it means my arse is being handed to me cos someone else with some skills (and/or attributes) is running at 100%.

In terms of work, it means immersing myself a lot more in the reading process. As I'm a little ADHD, it's often hard to sit and read continuously for long periods. but I need that, so I'm not drawing down on half-arsed ideas or worse from absence. Which brings me back to BJJ... must.drill.more... Especially the Jedi Mind Trick...

Purple Belt

OK, so it turns out it wasn't too much later that I got mine.

My purple was handed to me at a John Will seminar.

As my coaches are also purples, they 'arranged' a private session with the head honcho that was ostensibly to thank me for coaching and being a senior member of the club. Turns out I was under observation and apparently passed with flying colours.

They didn't tell me this until well after I had been through a fairly rocky weekend post seminar, where I felt the thing wasn't entirely deserved (I often still don't). I remember the blue transition being similar with bouts of feeling depressed about the heaviness of the thing (pun unintended).

I think this is partially my own self esteem stuff, but also the weight we put on the coloured belts here due to their lack in the club. The purple really feels like a black belt here and the weight of that is pretty huge at times...

Despite all the angst and worries about the huge target now on my back, this is a good thing. While the belt itself is only a recognition that I'm reducing the non-awesomeness in my life in small stages, it's beginning to feel OK wearing it and I kinda like that...